I’ve been meaning to post this for a while but it’s been difficult for me to finish it. This is due to many reasons: One, I didn’t know how to write this (I kept thinking, what do I say first? Should I be open about everything? What am I trying to say here?) but soon I decided to not think about those things and just let my thoughts flow and my hands, write. Two, I was hesitant to post this (What’s the point when no one will listen? Will my voice even be heard? Is this post just a rant for me? A way to let things out?) No, I decided to post this for those who may be going through the same thing as I am. And three, I kept asking myself, will this make a difference? (at the end of the day, am I doing good?) Even after I’ve posted this, I’m still asking myself that question but hopefully soon, I’ll know the answer.
Before we get to it, I am warning you guys that this post is quite long. It’s all words and so it might be difficult to get through but hopefully, if you choose to continue reading, you’ll get more out of it than just plain words on a blog post. This is something very personal. I’ve poured my whole heart and soul into each and every word and as a result unmasked my insecurities and fears. It was hard but I’m just hoping that all of this, in the end, will be worth it.
Okay, here we go.
To you who might be reading this,
Let me just start by saying, “no one’s perfect”. As cliché as that statement is, it is true. No one is perfect. But there are people who wish they were, who twist their minds into thinking perfection is the aim, who believe that they can only be happy once they have it – and if I am being completely honest here, I used to be one of them. I’d look at myself, with such hate and disgust because what I saw in the mirror wasn’t perfection but the exact opposite. And so what did I do? I pretended. I tried so hard to trick myself into thinking, ‘my life is perfect’… I’m not gonna lie. I’m about as insecure as it gets. Even about the littlest things. And what would I do about them? Face them? Accept them? god no. I was a coward. I hid them. I denied them. I acted like they didn’t exist. And everything seemed to be going fine until one day, it finally hit me. Because ‘pretending’, I realized, can only get you so far. Recently, I had a breakdown, a big one. I just couldn’t keep everything under control. The imperfections were slowly showing. My insecurities were creeping up. And I broke. I don’t know, maybe it was my anxiety, maybe I was finally tired of wearing a facade.
But that’s when I said, no. I don’t want to be that person anymore.
I don’t want to be insecure my whole life. I don’t want to be afraid of imperfection. I don’t want my insecurities and imperfections to make me weak. No. I want to embrace them. I want them to make me strong. I want to stand by them and be able to shout, “Yes! That’s me!” I guess that’s one reason why I made this blog in the first place. Do I have perfect skin? No. Do I have a perfect body? No. Do I have a perfect life? Hell no. Then why write about it and share it with the world? Because it is still MY skin, MY body, MY life and God knows I should be proud of all of that. And so with this blog, I want to inspire those who feel that they’re not good enough to post pictures or write about their passions or everyday lives. So what if you don’t have enough cash to travel every weekend to post about it? So what if you’re not the most popular girl on the block? So what if you don’t have flawless skin or a sexy body? So what? I mean, ask yourself “would having all that make you a better person?”
Okay, first thing’s first, let’s delve deeper into the topic of being “physically attractive”. Do you have those days when you just wish God could’ve given you better skin? Yeah? Well, same, I’ve been there. There were times when I’d wake up in the morning and spend ten minutes staring in the mirror, ready to burst into tears. Perfect skin? What’s that??? Nope, don’t have it. Not even close. Never. I have far from perfect skin and to be honest, I don’t even remember how much money I’ve spent on treatments and products to end my problems with acne, dark spots and all of that. Did you know that I used to not want to leave my house if I didn’t have at least some makeup on? Yeah, that bad. I hid my blemishes and my scars and it was so obvious that I was trying so hard to do so. Cause the truth is, you can’t just cover them up and pretend they’re not there. Cause they are. You see it and other people see it. No matter how much foundation or concealer you have on. I learned that the hard way. My parents used to tell me, “Why don’t you stop wearing makeup and just let your skin breathe?” You know what I said? “No, it’s fine. I don’t want people to see all my blemishes and marks”. And guess what? That just made the whole problem worse. I realized it when it was too late. And now I have a lot more scars and dark spots. All because I chose to be stubborn. I couldn’t help it. I was embarrassed. But now I choose not to see them as something negative anymore. I choose to see them as beauty marks. Because they make me, me. I choose now to accept them and consider them as reminders of what I went through when I was younger and that I got through it. Today, some followers message me, “how do I get rid of my acne?” or “how do I lighten my scars” or “how do I make my skin look better?” And I always tell them that I don’t know the answer cause I haven’t figured it out yet. But what do I do? I choose to take care of my skin. I choose to love my skin. Although my face isn’t ‘flawless’, I feel good because I know that I am taking good care of my skin – and that makes me happy.
“Okay, how about your body, KC? I mean, you don’t have a right to feel bad, you’re not fat.” Yeah, I’m not on the heavy side – not even close. But do those comments make me feel better about myself? No. Growing up, I’ve always been conscious of my weight. Because I had a hard time gaining. I am underweight – I feel scrawny – I look ‘too thin’. People used to give me comments like “Omg KC, you’re so skinny!” and “Oh do your boobs even exist???” And as much as I laughed at those statements, they did sting. Because my body wasn’t something I was proud of. Aside from my weight, I was conscious about other parts of my body, such as my back. When I was younger, I used to get really bad rashes and I scratched them a lot which led to me growing up with dark marks all over. This sucked big time. I would look at other girls in backless swimsuits with flawless bodies and think, “Why couldn’t I have looked like that?”. Tbh, it took me so long to actually feel confident in a swimsuit – so long (and today, I’m still not even 100% confident). I used to try so hard to cover myself up, to dodge people’s comments/reactions, to not care. But that didn’t change anything.
All these imperfections have been plaguing me my whole life that it came to a point when I felt hopeless, helpless and most of all, ugly. I felt so f*cking ugly. I’d wake up feeling terrible about myself and that eventually led me to completely stop caring about myself. Really. There was a time when I didn’t care about how I looked, I didn’t care about how I dressed, I didn’t care about myself at all.
And that’s when my anxiety started kicking in. I got conscious about the littlest things. I felt insecure all the time to the point that I would push loved ones away because I would take out all my anger and frustrations out on them. Soon, I was also ‘mentally imperfect’. I no longer had this positive radiance that KC Kane used to have. No. I was empty inside. I remember breaking down countless times in the middle of the night. I remember pulling my hair and punching walls out of frustration, anger and sadness. I remember asking myself, “Kc, why couldn’t you have been better?” Bottom line: I was a mess.
Until I finally looked in the mirror and saw a sad girl wasting her whole damn life.
I’ll admit, my life is not perfect. Yet I can’t deny that there are so many things that are great about it: I come from a family who loves me and shows it every single day, I have a home – a room to call my own, I was able to go to school and graduate college, I have a boyfriend who makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and I have true friends who support me and cheer me on even on the shittiest of days.
It got me thinking, how could I let all of them down like that?
But most of all, how could I let myself down like that?
And so, this is for all of you who are going through the same thing right now, struggling in this difficult world trying so hard to hide your imperfections and insecurities: Embrace yourself. Cherish yourself. Love yourself. No one is perfect. No one is supposed to be.
Here are some things I learned going through all of that that I’d like for all of you to keep in mind:
One, don’t let social media rule your life. Social media tends to corrupt our minds into thinking, “Wow look at her Instagram feed! Her life must be perfect!” or “He has such nice skin, what could possibly go wrong with his life?”. The truth is, everyone struggles with their own demons every single day, no matter how happy their tweets are or how beautiful their Instagram feed is. Don’t let social media be the judge of how you see people but most of all, don’t let it be the judge of how you see yourself.
Two, haters gotta hate. Enjoying life but haters got you down? Tbh, there will always be haters. Someone once told me, “When you have haters, that’s a sign you’re doing great in life. They’re just hating on you cause they’re jealous.” And that has always stuck to me. Haters will always be there – even in people who you call “friends”. There will always be a tweet, a facebook post, an instagram story bashing you and your happiness. And so, here’s a bit of advice on how to deal with them, don’t stoop down to their level and bash them back. Instead, thank them. You know why? Because at the end of the day, they make you strive to become a better person. They’re hating on all the good you’re doing with your life – Good. Do more. When they bash you and hate on you, use that to be better. Use that to fuel you. And in the end, they will no longer be your haters but reminders of what you’ve overcome and how much of a stronger and better person you are now – because of them. Ironic isn’t it? Just like your insecurities, don’t let them control you. Succumbing to your haters and your insecurities gives them the power to measure your worth and honestly who are they to say how much you’re worth? You are the one in charge. You’re the one who calls the shots. You write your own story. Just you and you alone.
Three, at the end of the day always choose to love yourself and appreciate yourself as a person. That’s a beautiful word, “appreciate”. Perfection isn’t the goal. Appreciation is. Living isn’t easy. Sometimes it gets so f*cking hard. But you know what? You’re still here. And that means something. That is being brave. You just don’t give yourself enough credit for it. Appreciate yourself, please. You’ve come so far and many of you, just like me, are only getting started. We all have one life to live. It’s time to make the most out of it.
Someone once told me to “Rise & Shine: Rise above everything that brings you down and let the best parts of you shine.” Here’s to hoping after reading this, you continue to shine bright! Because you are a beautiful human being.
Tbh, it feels good to have had said all that after everything I’ve gone through. This post is going to serve as my reminder that I am choosing to embrace myself: imperfections, insecurities and all. This will be my reminder that I have changed my way of thinking and the way I look at myself and that I am not going to look bad and treat myself as I had before.
As I am ending this, I have to admit that the road I’m on won’t be easy. I haven’t figured it all out yet. I’m still not as confident as I want to be and I still don’t appreciate myself as much as I should but I know, in time, I’ll get there.
And so will you.
Til the next post ✨